Finding the balance

Wednesday:

Went out dinner with H. After our conversation last nite ... feeling a bit weird when facing him.... knowing that he knew I still like him .... erm... dunno how to say that feeling..... A bit difficult to find the balance to act just fren and more than fren ....

I dun wan he feel uncomfortable if I act more than fren..... aiks.... A bit regretted telling him I still like him .... :(

Month of March.... unforgetable month in year 2005 ..... at least 5 couples tat I know broke up this month including myself ..... PLU relationship, izzit that easy for a PLU relationship to game over?

A bit relief ....

Monday :

Today is H b'day. I dunno he will call me for dinner or not coz he told me he will be going out with fren. I actually prepared to celebrate with him some other day. Later in the evening, around 6.00pm, H called me... telling me he can hv dinner with me. I was surprised. I went to picked him up around 7.40pm.... otw to Mid Valley.... H told me he actually attached with that leng zai after we broke up.... but after attached with him.... it seems tat they dun hv common topic to talk about.... They finally agreed to broke up today. I felt that he was down and sad of coz...... erm..... chosen his own b'day to break up.... H said that now he likes guy that is younger than him .....

We went to Sushi King for dinner..... on the way going up to the 3rd floor.... I felt like wanna hug him so tight.... but of coz i din ..... :p After dinner, I take him to tour around KL .... sit on the car ..... make him feel better.... stay with him a little while longer .....

On the way sending him back, he told me he may wanna buy a new bag for study & work. When reached his place.... I gave him the sling bag that I bought..... He was surprised.... I was happy that I bought him the rite gift... :)

Went back home.... couldn't sleep..... so on9 for a while.... received a miss call from Hush (Thomas), an IRC fren, we chat for more then half an hour .... OMG ... he felt Earth Quake ... After hang up, I called H ...... he din answer ... shud hv fall a sleep oredi .... thinking tat he shud be ok .... coz stilll can sleep ....

Tuesday:

Been thinking a lot.... shud I tell H that I still like him a lot....... ?? Asking frens for some views ... erm... some fren encourage me try again... win his heart back... some fren said ... give more time dun too rush ....

Deep down in my heart.... I told my self.... just keep to myself... I love him... love him from far far away ..... dun get too close..... he is not mature enough to understand love .... when ever he needed me... I will be there to support him .... that's enough ..... I want him to be happy...

Later at nite.... H miss call me .... he cried.... he says today he is not happy coz been thinking about the leng zai.... I told him just broke up is like tat ..... he told me .... the feeling is weird... coz is not the type that hurt veli much ... but when thinking back ... the heart is upset.....

H ask me... did he hurted me a lot when he broke up with me..... I din answer directly .... I just told him ... I hv written all my feelings in the blog.... a place for me to released out my pain ....

H ask me... how I got over the sadness and forgot about the past ..... I say time... let time decide... but you oso must not think too much .... you must telling ur self.... u will be ok... motivation is another thing that we need....

H ask me... how I get over the love.... I hesitated to answer tat .... coz I dun wanna lie .... but finally I told him ... I still like him... I waiting him to come back to me.... He told me again now he likes younger boi .... I might not get anything in return even I give out my love to him .... I said I know that ..... I dun expect anything in return .... just to see him happy.... that's all I want now ....

H say .... erm... then if he attached with other boi in future, will I be sad? I told him, yupe... I will be not happy but I will be ok .... not all the things happen in this world is fair.... I like you, you dun like me.... it happens around us all the time ..... I ask him dun easily fall into ppl when ppl treat him good....

I felt relief ... after I told him my feelings now... even I know now he dun hv feeling on me.... coz from now on... I no need pretend any more.... he know I still like him .... & I will keep remind him tat.... :p I no need to hide my love ....

I know I might getting nothing in return .... but as long as I m seeing him doing ok... I m happy... of coz deep down from my heart... that's a little place for me to keep a hope tat.... one day ... he might come back to me.... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... a little little hope.... I m sure that's normal..... :p

Hey.... If you are reading this ..... which I doubt you will .... coz you dunno my blog add... :p no matter wat happen... that's a person who love you.... will be always there for you.... I m glad that you talk to me last nite when you are down.... take care....

Still Jealous

By knowing H went out meeting new frens .... make me felt moody .... I guess I m jealous & still care about him so much .....

I m trying hard not to think too much .... I m hoping I can let go naturally..... Sometimes after broke up without keep in touch is easier to forget the past .... but I cant do that ....

Going to be 2 weeks after broke up, frens ask me how I feel? oredi get over it? I dunno how to answer, just smile smile..... I m ok ... life still go on.... just cant be really happy lor...

Yam Cha and Movie

Saturday: Yam Cha at nite with Yuanfen

Went to TS de SP yam cha .... walao..... 9.30pm the cafe oredi wanna close liao.... aiks... shopping mall de shop all closed at 9.30pm ... even in weekends .... so sien .... :( after that we just walk around Bukit Bintang.... continue to chit chat & 38 ... haha ....

Sunday: Movie

Watch Hitch with Fansu :) Got a scene touched me..... felt like wanna cry.... but din cry .. coz Fansu beside... paiseh.... hehe... :p When evertything has been messed up and everything should be ended, Hitch telling Albert to forget about Allegra (the gal Albert love), but Albert says, No... why I wanna forget her... I love her... ... ... ... what Albert said in the movie touched me....

7th Movie - Hitch * * *

Watch Movie lo.....

Thursday: Movie time

Went to watch The Eye 10 with my movie pal. This is my 5th movie for the year. HeHe.... previously busy pak tor lor.... dun hv time to watch movie with my movie pal.... :p When pak tor if not watch movie with lover or watch alone.. I felt very weird lor~ .... so sometimes pak tor oso need so sacrified a bit de.... hey ... now can hang out again with my movie pal lor~ :Þ

This year:
1st moviw - Unborn * * *
2nd movie - Constantine * * * *
3rd movie - Seoul Raiders * * ½
4th movie - Himalaya Singh * *
5th movie - Sepet * * * *
6th movie - The Eye 10 * * ½

Friday : Bored

Back home from work early :Þ ..... wahahaha ..... but nothing to do oso..... :( just on9, listening to MP3.... & play PS2..... Boring...boring...boring... but all the while b4 join IRC my life oso is boring de lar.... now is only returned to 1 year ago.... ya... I already join IRC for a year jor.... know a lot of good frens in cp channel.... :)

At nite went to OUG de Halo Cafe with frens.... wow... one of the gal performer's voice really like Fish Leong...

很想你

你在哪里? 这些年来如意不如意?
还快乐? 还单纯? 还美丽?
时光如何对你?

我在这里人海中的一座岛屿
很平静风平浪静
只除了深夜里回忆会疯狂来袭

我很想你 你知道吗
如果可以就让我再见你
美好微笑清澈眼睛
好确定那场分离只毁了我一个而已

我很想你听见了吗? woo~
这是唯一我无解的困境
那些过去不肯过去
不管我后来遇见多少人
只能叹息
都不是你

我在哪里? 你会不会偶尔好奇?
有没有曾经怀疑?
我说我会忘记只是种好意

我很想你 你知道吗
如果可以就让我再见你
美好微笑清澈眼睛
好确定那场分离只毁了我一个而已

我很想你听见了吗? woo~
这是唯一我无解的困境
那些过去不肯过去
不管我后来遇见多少人
只能叹息
都不是你

我只想爱你

One Week Anniversary

Today is one week anniversary for H break up with me....
For the past few days.... showing improvement not to think too much about H, especially after the PC is fixed & can on9 .. :p

If I say I totally din think about him then I m lying... Of coz on & off ... his shadow still will pass by my mind...

His birthday coming soon.... shud I get him a present? aiks..... headache....

LalaClub Gathering @ B.D.

LalaClub gathering last nite. Hey chubby Vans become slimmer … haha…. so leng jor… but got 1 big pimple … hehe J Koko still looks so cute…. & the mouth still so jin kak.. :p Quick’s eyes beg got 3 layers liao… walao…. be strong man & take care….. and Dang Dang, looks cool & smart with the formal office wear.

Our songs

Zhang Yu Hua (Xue Hua Piao) - My ex lover, H, likes this song quite a lot. The radio played this song very often during the 1st week when we dating. We used to listen to this song everyday when I send him home during that week.

Yang Wei Han (Xing Fu Xing Le) - This song was released almost the same period I ask H to become my boiboi. After he agreed, my xing fu really been waken up........

Guang Liang (Tong Hua) - This song make me wanna be his last fairy tale.... n I'll protect him 4ever.

Guang Liang (Xiang Zuo Zou, Xiang You Zou) - H put this song as his caller ring tone. I used to listen to this ring tone everynite when I call him .....

Lau Hou Long (Tuen Mei - Cantonese) - H ask me wat's the meaning of Tuen Mei when the radio playing this song. I cant find a perfect translation in mandarin. So I just decribe it's like a person cough but cough till so long oso cannot recover totally means cannot Tuen Mei. The song is telling that unsuccessful love shud be Tuen Mei immediately dun tor tor lai lai..... Now think back ... maybe he is hinting to me tat time..... aiks.... love blind me.... din see tat tim....

Guang Liang & Chao Ge (Shao Nian) - H likes this song the most I guess from Guang Liang's Tong Hua Album. The radio often played this song during the last week we attached. After the radio played this song on 16 march 2005, 10.05pm, H requested to break up.

Lee Sheng Jie (Shou Fang Kai) - This song best describe my feelings after we broke up. I guess all the unsuccessful love story is ended the same feeling. Coz this song exist long b4 we broke.

Tanya (Shi Yi Zheng) - This song wanna teach me to forget my love to H. I wanna forget but I scared I really will forget..... How can I forget a person that really touched my heart?

PC finally been fixed.

Yay .... my PC finally been fixed. Finally can listen to all the songs that keep my memory alive... & all those songs that make me cry..... wakakaka..... so bian tai..... :Þ

Feels vs Commitment

In Plu circle if a relationship just based on feels to maintain, it often will ended veli soon. Coz ppl change when times goes by... they will act differently, look differently and etc .....

Ppl often use this reason to break up...... no feels ......

Yes, i agreed tat feels is important in the relationship... but oni in the beginning. If u accept a person as your lover.... u shud already think thoroughly of his good and bad. Commitment is veli important in plu life.... once u commited, u shud just concentrate to improve the relationship..... u must learn to accept his weaknesses....

If there's no commitment in one relationship.... it will be game over soon too..... Coz there is no marriage certificate to protect a plu relationship..... so for me... commitment will be the most important thing for plu relatonship.

Trust is one of the items u shud hv in order to commit a relationship. Most ppl that has been hurt in the past relationships... seems will not trust ppl easily.... that is a good way to protect ourselves. Coz plu life... the more u stay in the circle .... the more disappointed u will be.

I donno u guys out there agreed to my stand or not? :p

Back to starting point

Return to the starting point.... moving towards to happy single life.
All the best oso to all PLU tat i know.... :)

Will I fall in love again?

B4 I attached the last time.... I told my self.... this will be the last whether it will work out or not. If it's doesn't.... I will stay single for the rest of the years.....

Finally all ended in 7 weeks for the last relationship.....

This is the 2nd relationship. 7 years after my 1st puppy love.... After my puppy love... I hv makes a lot of thoughts... I hv decided the next relationship will be the last.... In fact this can be counted as my 1st serious relationship with a person. That's why i putted a lot of effords in it.... with all my heart & soul.

Now it's over, my single life begins from 16 March 2005 10.10pm....

The door gate of my heart begins to close.... and I m not sure when it will be fully closed.... once it has been closed, will it be open again? or it really will be sealed forever?

or I will wait another 7 years to begin a new relationship? aiks.... tat time I m 37yrs old jor..... now oredi no one wants me.... 37yrs old? dun dare to think more.......

Will I be alone for the rest of the years.... ? Who will come in my heart..... ?

7 weeks =/= 7 years

It's really really hurt to write about this.... tears really coming out on & off .... Why? What else? Love of coz....
17 January 2005 was the 1st time I met him at The Mines, b4 this we chatted quite a long time on IRC.
23 January 2005 was the day that I confessed to him that I want him to be my bf, he agreed. 11.23pm at Bukit Jalil Park, I was the luckiest man in the planet of Earth.
13 February 2005 received an sms from him, something's wrong .... I can feel it. That nite we go to the same place where we attached, he ask me wanna break coz he feels unsecure when I went to LW with frens and being there from 12am - 4am (on 12 February 2005).... He thinks I was flirting around there.... It was my mistake that I dun let him follow .... coz he need to work the next day .... My actions makes him misunderstood .... I felt so sorry to created this and makes him sad. I was be able to rescued the relationship and makes him to trust me.
14 February 2005 Our 1st & the last valentine's day.

Things begins to changed after 1 March 2005 or maybe earlier 20 February 2005, I can feel it. Everytime during the conversation, I can catch some points that he mentioned, the ideal characters of the bf he wanted. It seems that I doesn't fit in those requirements. I know... I have try my very best to treat him with all my heart.

15 March 2005 he mentioned that a leng zai was wanted to date him for movie. But he told that person he will be going out with a fren(me). A "fren" not bf.... that moment.... I m hurt but i pretend nothing.... today shud be a happy day to celebrate his SPM result.... but it ended up with quiet dinner ... quiet movie time.... He said he was tired, I know it means he was tired to be with me (am I too sensitive? ;p) ..... I forced he to watch the movie "Sepet" ... sad ending...
Sleepless nite.... something will happen the next day....

16 March 2005 received same kind of sms that I received on 13 February. I knew the time has come. It will be ended at nite. Everything was wrong that day .... I hv cried in advanced at home be I went to meet him at nite. As i expected, he said wanna break & I agreed without further discussion. No tears.... but really really hurt....
I sms my frens after I went home regards wat has happened.... ask them not to worry I m ok and not to call me. DAMN .... they really din call! aiks.....
Sleepless nite.... no tears.... oh .... forgot to tell him something just now .... sms him see whether he was as sleep.... no reply.... sms him of my last favour. Sleepless nite again.... called a fren to chatted for 62mins.... 2.04am ..... on & off ... slept & woke up many many times ..... 6.40am..... woke up ... cried ..... cant stop the tears ..... ON MY GOD! sure my eyes will be red at work. Finally got in the car.... switched on radio ..... sei lao die (di ke yu niu zai) singing "sa lang he" .... tears out again.... I think can go act crying scene in a drama or movie liao.... within 5 sec with a sad song.... tears will be out str8 away.....

17 March 2005 8.06am he miss called.... I cant call him back .... tears around the eyes .... 8.43am he called I din take the call, but I called him back, he say he will promised my last favour.... tears out after hang up.... b'coz I was not allow to care about him as a lover anymore....

This 7 weeks .... makes me feel veli hang fook everytime I seeing him at my side..... this 7 weeks is like 7 years to me..... maybe it's b'coz long time din love a person.... it's a pity it does not last for 7 years..... PLU life.... PLU love.... a PLU like me.... will I fall in love again....... ?

I dun blame him.. or hate him ..... in fact I still care about him.... I hope my frens will not blame him too.... coz love cant count who's rite or wrong.....

To HIM... sorry i was act cool on the phone... coz i m not sure with wat tone I shud speak with you.... wanna say thankx and take care.